Vlad Mazek

Jacked from digg.com. Boldfaced are the ones I thought were quite hilarious:

As you may know, you can order an iPod from the Apple Store with a custom, laser-engraved message. However, not everything gets engraved. Apple has been rejecting some messages for editorial reasons.

The following is a collection of engravings that were actually rejected by Apple, and some that probably should have been. Enjoy!

* 10,000 Stolen Tunes Inside* ~Anonymous
* Not to be used as a suppository.* ~Umbralkin
* I cost more than three hookers.* ~Umbralkin
* When my battery dies, so will you.* ~Umbralkin
* Not responsible for prolonged damage to the ear & brain.* ~Anonymous
* iPod Limited Edition: Retard Compatible. * ~Jimmy4Kim
* Rip, Mix, & Burn Down RIAA Headquarters* ~Anonymous
* Cocaine and razor blade not included.* ~Carl
* Lick My Shiny Metal Ass* ~Anonymous
* karma is a bitch* ~Anonymous
* Bad Mother Fucker* (settled with “Bad Mother Fucka) ~Ben
* Something small & white that Enrique Eglasias Isn’t In.* ~wiredgargoyle
* I play with myself.* ~ leonardom
* Steal this? Will self destruct when used.* ~Anonymous
* iMasturbate five times a day* ~rjones
* F uck Osama.* ~Anonymous
* Screwing The RIAA One Download At A Time* ~Mike P.
* I cost more per ounce than cocaine.* ~dgcole
* This iPod will self destruct in 1 year.* ~dale
* Practice safe sex… Go FU*K yourself!* ~whocares590
* Controls on reverse side, you STUPID FCUK!* ~Christiaan

THE FOLLOWING WERE NOT REJECTED, BUT STILL VERY CLEVER and/or FUNNY

* “One time at band camp.” ~JLOVE
* 49 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 72 75 6c 65 ~TehSnarf
(translation: I fucking rule in HEX)
* I don’t need good taste, I’ve got selection.~Umbralkin
* Kiss me, I’ve got Irish music.~Umbralkin
* “To all the Chinese children who made my iPod, Thanks!” ~ Plaid Speed
* George Bush Hates Black People ~Kayne West
* fatti i cazzi tuoi (Mind your own f-ing business) ~gatherings
* I Don’t Do Windows ~Anonymous
* Trapped in iPod factory. Please send help ~Pheenix
* Me vs. RIAA: Exhibit A ~ukealii50
* My other iPod is a Millenium Falcon ~commongiga
* Steal At Your Own Risk. Bomb Installed ~Nick A.
* Tom Cruise is a couch humping homo ~Anonymous
* Mic0s0f7 5ux a$$ ~Anonymous
* I may be small and white but at least I’ve got a big disk! ~Jesse S.
* Don’t fsck with me or: $find / -name u | /dev/null
* Scratch your balls, not my metal. ~Anonymous
* Who said Apple sucks? ~Jaeboy
* Save water, drink beer and shower together ~ Jquinn825
* Now you have two little white pocket rockets.
* People will pay more to be entertained than educated. ~DulceDLeche16
* WARNING: Contains Yanni Box Set
* 10,000 reasons to ignore my wife
* If only women’s buttons were this easy to push.
* This iPod makes up for my small hard disk.
* Once you go small and white… ~Anonymous
* 98% Liberace-free
* Harmful If Swallowed
* Dear [insert name], Thanks for the iPod idea. Steve Jobs ~IFC1
* I’m so trendy look at my white headphones! ~sjs
* Size Does Matter ~Anonymous
* Musically Disturbed ~Joe F.
* Weapons of Mass Distraction Inside ~wiredgargoyle
* Contents Under Pressure from RIAA ~wiredgargoyle
* My other handheld is a PocketPC ~vostinar
* CDs are for amish people! ~mustachioman
* Quarter free jukebox ~mustachioman
* FCUK WINDOWS ~lancew
* Why drink and drive, When you can smoke and fly. ~tipx
* I last 8 hrs. You last 2 minutes. Who’s the man?
* My iPod can beat up your honor roll student
* Your mamma uses a walkman.
* “Say hello to my little friend” ~iiikora
* FCUK THE SHUFFLE, WTF I Ordered a 60 Gigger! ~dilpreet64

This is the ONE time I simply have no comment.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7055625.stm

Read, enjoy. If you laughed, I’ll save you a seat in hell.

Ever wonder why the inbred midwestern hicks that never left their zip code are the most vocal when it comes to denying evolution?

They don’t see the proof of it walking around all the time like we do. Remember the Ying Yang Twins? 2 Live Crew? Well, sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have found the missing link and his name is Soulja Boy.

The missing link: It’s yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Nothing dispells the myth of creationism quite like this brilliant proof of unitelligent design

I’ll give him credit for the figurines though, thats bound to attract kids to the car and the tinted windows take care of the rest

All jokes aside, this freak has two cars and drives them around I-drive in Orlando in circles all day long from the convention center down to the Central Florida Parkway – every day. We used to see him on the weekends when we’d go to Costco but now he seems to be out there every day… spreading some sort of a… message… about Jesus.. and toys.. .and figuines… and bible quotes.

It’s people like this that give religion a bad reputation as a bunch of lunatics out of touch with the rest of the society.

Got this gem from Erick that just needs to be recorded:

I don’t know if you should be shaping young children’s minds – you’re failing miserably with the kids in the channel..

This builds on another great quote, from someone whose identity I must protect for the time being due to the VIP status, but:

You can’t claim to be successful if you need to go to SMB Nation.

Gotta love bad college essays:

Check out this one, guaranteed to make you laugh.

Now, ironically, this is not the worst essay I ever read. I can’t be specific on which one was the worst as the person has now tracked me down on a social network and I don’t want to hurt his/her feelings but after my TA-hood at UF and checking my buddies essays.. this doesn’t score very high on the shame scale. But it is hilarious! Enjoy.

That just ain’t right…

Gotta love your friends.

I’m getting some work done on my blog, looking for some interface help with the new things I will be doing with the blog and my trusty pal Judy is there to nail me. So, here is how the conversation went. I gave her the specs, so she gave me this:

Ok, looks cool right… but not quite shiny, “web 2.0ish” enough. Soooo.. I say the following:

Vlad: It’s not gay enough.

Vlad: Web 2.0 me!

Vlad: I want it to be so gay that the guys on South Beach take a break from pounding each other in the ass long enough to vomit at the gayness that is Vladville Web 2.0 design.

So Judy, being the trooper that she is goes back in the lab and brings this one out:

Alright, now we’re flaming! But she tones it down a bit:

And then I said the words that make the artist sharpen their knife… “The other one looked better.”

What ensued is this, enjoy. NSFW, read the bright green rectangle to the right.

How’s that?

Katie: Are you blogging it right now? I am talking to you about how you don’t talk to me,and you’re blogging our conversation. You’re not even responding.

Vlad: Hold on, “I am talking to you what?”

So we had a talk about her reading the blogs, she was apparently miffed that I didn’t instantly approve her comment on one of my blogs. Basically, I asked why she read my filth and the response was:

I read to find out what you’re up to, because you don’t happen to tell me you’ll be gone for a few days at a time.

Ooooooof.

That’s how I roll.. excerpt from the IM session:

[15:52] paverbuj: the table gets big but you want to have an index on each column separately
[15:55] vladmazek: it will just be a reference standpoint
[15:55] vladmazek: here is the real crackpot idea behind it
[15:55] vladmazek: (let me know if you’re sitting down, I don’t want the wave of stupid to knock you off your feet and cause permanent injury)
[15:56] paverbuj:
[15:56] paverbuj: i’m ready
[15:56] vladmazek: basically, the key here is to create..